Reflections on Becoming a Mom: The First Year
Is there anything more transformative than becoming a mother? From the time we are little girls, we see women with swollen bellies, ready to bring new life into the world. We imagine ourselves becoming mothers by stuffing large balls or balloons under our t-shirts and staring wondrously at our profiles in the mirror. We practice caring for baby dolls: changing their diapers, rocking them to sleep, and pushing them in strollers. I often ask myself if these things come about on their own. Is this urge to mother innate, or is it something we emulate from the time we’re children because maybe, if we’re lucky, we see how our mothers mother, and we want to be like them?
Just recently, my own mother sent me a text of something I had written about her when I was maybe 10 years old: seven paragraphs detailing why my mom was my hero! It included everything from her being a great cook to taking care of my brother and me, to supporting us at our sporting events, to the magnificent way she took care of the house and how one day I hope to be as great a mom as she is. Reading this earnest letter reaffirmed how important our roles are in our families and societies. The seemingly mundane tasks of cooking, cleaning, and caring are not being done in vain.
Being a mother has gotten a bad rap in the last decade; that the work being done in the home is less than the work that is being done in an office. If you’re a teacher, I’d bet that you can confirm just how bat sh*t some of these kids behaviors are nowadays that caregiving has moved away from 1 primary caregiver per 1 child to 1 per 3-4 infants! Things have changed dramatically! As Gabor Maté so beautifully states, “if children don’t have a primary caregiver to securely attach to, they start attaching to their peers and then we have immature brained children influencing each other.”
In my early 20s, fresh out of college, I was absolutely terrified of becoming a mom. Partly because I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, but also due to the significant influence of social media. The narrative I kept seeing online suggested that it was “no great accomplishment” to be a mom and stay at home with your kids. People often said that you would have no money, no time, no friends, and no life. Who on earth would want to live like that?!
Now, I completely understand that not every woman has the desire to become a mother. I am in no way writing this to condemn those women. The beauty of modern life in the Western world is that we are (mostly) free to choose what is best for ourselves and for our families.
However, if you’re considering starting a family and feel terrified, I encourage you to get curious about those feelings. Are you afraid of the unknown? Are you scared because your relationship with your partner isn’t as strong as you’d like it to be? Did you not like the way you were parented, and now you’re worried that you’ll be the same way as a parent? Maybe you’re following a lot of accounts that don’t speak highly of mothers and are perpetuating this fear. If that’s the case, perhaps you should unfollow those accounts and look for ones that talk about the joys of motherhood.
I know I’ve been a mother for only a short while, but I’ve never felt more like myself. I hope these reflections reach your heart and give you hope and excitement about motherhood.
- Time really does go by so fast. Everyone says it. You get it. But suddenly, your baby is almost a year old, and you’re like, “Holy cow, this year has flown by!” You think of those cute things they used to do that they don’t anymore, and those infuriating things as well that have almost been forgotten. Everything is temporary.
- Women are amazing. I am so sorry I never valued women as highly as I do now. We literally create life with our bodies and bring life into this world. We are magic.
- People are not interested in hearing about peaceful, respectful, physiologic birth.
- “Entregarse.” This term in Spanish means “to surrender yourself.” I can’t emphasize this enough. From the moment your contractions start, just surrender. The times I’ve felt the most stress and overwhelm postpartum is when I’ve been fighting with how I want a situation to be versus how it actually is in that moment.
- Having a baby is really great for getting jacked arms. It is not so great for your back and hips.
- If you do nothing, your baby will eventually sleep. Also, 8-10 month sleep is 1,000x worse than newborn sleep. Save your night nurses for then.
- Support from your partner is everything. Do they value the mother-baby dyad? Are they going to feel hurt by this temporary decrease in attention? Do they value you breastfeeding your child, or will they suggest switching to formula when they see how tiring and demanding it can be at times?
- Starting solids was not as fun as I thought it would be. Get a great stain remover.
- Set yourself up for an amazing postpartum experience. MEAL PREP. You should not be eating cereal for breakfast! If you want your partner to wait on you hand and foot for a week, two weeks, or a month while you establish breastfeeding with your baby, communicate that beforehand. If your partner isn’t able to provide the type of care you’re looking for, call your mom.
- Less is more. Be a “poor mom.” Don’t buy a crib; co-sleep. Don’t buy formula; breastfeed. Don’t buy a stroller or a bouncer; baby wear or put them on the floor on a play mat. Close contact is beneficial for both mom and baby.
- Make an effort to build a village. Find at least one other mom you can bond with and make an effort to get out and do mom things together. In those moments when you just need to vent or get out of the house, you’ll be so grateful you have someone to call on.
Becoming a mother is, in my experience, the most extraordinary transformation in a woman’s life. If you surrender to the ebb and flow, the highs and lows, it can be an experience that makes you more complete, helping you heal past wounds and create a new path forward for yourself and your family. Women are the gatekeepers between heaven and earth. When you start to shift your perspective on just how divine we are, you’ll realize that motherhood doesn’t have to be as scary and isolating as it’s often made out to be.